Do I have worth?

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The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
Posts: 209
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2016 3:44 pm
PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 8:41 am
A lot of the people here know me simply as that guy who in 2015 went nuts about Death Battle. I was stupid then, let's move on. What you may not know is how horribly I suffer from self-doubt, from disorders, illness, anxiety and depression, and traumatic memories. I just wanna ask the question. Do you guys feel I have any worth at all? I've struggled with this for years, wondering if I'm really a good person, if I'm evil, and have even been suicidal. I'm not a rapist, killer, or law-breaker. I'm just an unassuming person in real life. But I really hate the world. I hate the injustice. I hate the naked cruelty. I hate human hypocrisy, of which I am guilty as much as anyone else. I want off this train wreck of a world, but I'm trapped. So let me just ask it. Do you think I have worth? Or would the world be better off without me?
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Sweet Tooth's Daddy
Sweet Tooth's Daddy
Posts: 4044
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2009 6:47 pm
Location: Sweden
PostPosted: Sun Apr 16, 2017 1:48 pm
To me, at least, a person's worth is relative. I have people I consider more "worthy" to me on a more personal level and vice versa, as bad as that may sound (I'm sure you love your parents than you love me). I'm assuming you have some people who mean a lot to you personally. You know better than me who these people are and you will probably get a more definitive answer from them than you will from this forum. Personally, I initially value people equally regardless of their background, their values and their opinions because it's what I've been conditioned to do throughout my life. Then as these people become closer to me and a more important part of my life, they become of more worth to me. Everyone's state of being is the result of a lot choices and the contexts of these choices is only truly known by you. Hell, sometimes these contexts aren't even known to the people who made their own choices, I have myself have given the answer "I don't know" when someone asked me "Why did you do that?". Even if you make deliberate choices to be an asshole just to be an asshole, something has conditioned you to act that way and that is not something someone like me can hold against you. You're worth as much as anyone else, regardless of where you are in life and the things you've done in your past. I mean I don't like Death Battle but I'm not gonna consider you less worth to me just because it means a lot to you.

Even the fact that you come here and openly admit to being conflicted about some very personal things shows to me a willingness to feel well and that is something that is worth a lot. You are clearly active in your quest to learn about yourself and that is genuinely admirable because I've met a lot of people who give up before they even try. The fact that you hate injustice and cruelty means that you have a clear sense of right and wrong which in turn that suggests you have strong values and you show self awareness by admiting to fault. Even at your lowest point, there are clearly aspects of you that make you worth a lot to even a stranger like me, just based on how you talk about yourself.

One thing I can tell you for sure though, killing yourself will not make the world better. I don't know what is going to make the world better, but if you want the world to be a better place, take that in your own hands. And I'm not saying "you have to single-handedly save the world now, stranger", but what I mean to say is try to better the world around you; help other people with predicaments and be understanding and considerate to others despite their flaws. You don't have to donate your entire salary to charity, kick ISIS terrorists in the dick or become a doctor if you don't feel like you can, do your best to channel your knowledge and abilities into what you actually can do. Bettering someone's world can be as easy as donating a few dollars every month to something you believe in, talking to the people you like and telling them how much they mean to you or even trying to improve some things about yourself that you wish to improve. It can be hard work and feel unrewarding at first, but as long as you stick with it you're gonna get result, just from a logical standpoint. And even if you fail at something you set out to do, you've gained invaluable knowledge that you did somehing wrong, whatever it may be and you can learn from it.

This all being said, you should probably get some professional help. I go to a psychologist once every two weeks and it's like you can blow off steam without consequence. You can just air out your thoughts and get professional repsonse on the way you're feeling. It's a huge relief and it can help you find a lot of answers you may be looking for. A psychologist doesn't judge you for having thoughts whizzing around and being existentially conflicted is a very human thing that psychologists deal with. There's a lot of stigma around mental health and for some people taking steps to lead a healthy life is seen by some people (read: assholes) as a sign of weakness. I personally believe that every single person on this planet, minus the people unable to for some reason, have at some point been conflicted about who they are and what they believe and considering someone weak just because they admit to not having all the pieces of the puzzles is absurd. I like to think that there is never one thing that we end up as and then remain as that one thing throughout our lives, I like to think we are all subject to continuous change and we constantly learn, grow and become different people as we deal with different type of shit in our lives. It's like a jigsaw puzzle without edges, it just keeps getting bigger and bigger the more pieces you add. And while the smaller picture on the jigsaw puzzle doesn't really change as it grows, the context you look at it does it becomes a new thing in the bigger picture.
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The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
Posts: 209
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2016 3:44 pm
PostPosted: Tue Apr 25, 2017 11:07 pm
One of my problems now is that I'm off my medications, and I'm just deeply scared, so terrified of dying alone, of being a virgin the rest of my life. Of finding no one I can take as a loving partner. Sometimes it gets so intense that I would just rather die now than later if I'm meant to be alone forever. And I only measure my value in terms of my appearance, and I feel like I'm the ugliest thing in the universe. What woman would want anything to do with me? Especially when I'm so messed up in the head? But above all, I just know this. I don't wanna live alone for the rest of my life.
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Faithful g1
Faithful g1
Posts: 5
Joined: Wed Mar 01, 2017 7:59 pm
PostPosted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:50 pm
You are in control of your life. It doesn't always seem that way, and that thought can actually be scary at times. Take risks. Talk to everyone. Pick up a new hobby. The older I've gotten the more I've realized that no one really knows what they're doing. You're not alone in how you feel.
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The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
The Best Offense is a Strong Defense!
Posts: 209
Joined: Fri Jul 15, 2016 3:44 pm
PostPosted: Mon May 01, 2017 4:05 am
I do have an appointment with my counselor on Friday. I intend to keep it.
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